


Para2iitoiid 2care

by SelenaEstella



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Allusions to Body Horror, Other, Parasitoids, Zombie Fungus, chatlog fic, fungus, nobody actually dies though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-28
Updated: 2013-05-28
Packaged: 2017-12-13 06:02:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/820850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SelenaEstella/pseuds/SelenaEstella
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TA: there ha2 been a goddamn para2iitoiid outbreak.<br/>CG: OH, FUCK. THAT'S BAD RIGHT?<br/>TA: the whole hiive2tem ii2 on lockdown, contamiinant contaiinment drone2 are already gatheriing out2iide every exiit.<br/>TA: and the poor fucker2 corp2e wa2 found liike two corriidor2 away from me 2o ii wouldnt really want two rii2k leaviing anyway.<br/>TA: 2o ye2 KK, iit ii2 pretty bad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Para2iitoiid 2care

**Author's Note:**

> Uploading this here 'cause why the hell not
> 
> It is pretty much a fic exploring the concept of parasitoid fungi being a thing that affects trolls, in chatlog form. I'm really fascinated by the concept and wanted to explore it in a way that was mildly entertaining.
> 
> Also hints of SolKat which is always lovely.

twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist

TA: KK dont 2uffer an aneurii2m over thii2 but iim goiing two have two cancel out all plan2 for tomorrow.  
TA: for the next week iin fact.  
TA: maybe longer.  
TA: KK are you even there.  
CG: WHAT’S THIS? SOMEONE FINALLY CHOSE TO TROLL ME AFTER PROMISING TWO BLOODY NIGHTS AGO THAT HE WOULD “BE RIGHT BACK”??  
CG: IMPOSSIBLE. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT THE CROTCHCRUMPTING SHITSTAINS IN THE UNIVERSE WOULD DARE TO GIVE ME SO MUCH OF A MERCY.  
CG: BUT LO AND BLOODY BEHOLD! THE ASSHOLE HAS RETURNED!  
TA: KK 2hut your protein muncher for once iin your entiire exii2tence and let the more competent of two a22hole2 do the talkiing for liike a couple of 2econd2.  
CG: AND IT IS ONLY TO TELL ME THAT HE IS AN EVEN GREATER SHITBAGGING NOOKCRUNCHER THAN HE HAD EVER HAD THE BULGEWADDING COURTESY TO REVEAL BEFORE THIS HISTORICALLY CROTCHBLISTERING MOMENT.  
CG: COLOUR ME SURPRISED.  
CG: NOT.  
CG: BECAUSE WHO THE FUCK WOULD HAVE TO BE CHAFSHITTINGLY DUMB ENOUGH NOT TO REALIZE IT BEFORE NOW??  
CG: SPOILER: NO ONE!  
TA: ...  
TA: are you done now?  
CG: YEAH. WHAT’S UP?  
TA: there ha2 been a goddamn para2iitoiid outbreak.  
CG: OH, FUCK. THAT'S BAD RIGHT?  
TA: the whole hiive2tem ii2 on lockdown, contamiinant contaiinment drone2 are already gatheriing out2iide every exiit.  
TA: and the poor fucker2 corp2e wa2 found liike two corriidor2 away from me 2o ii wouldnt really want two rii2k leaviing anyway.  
TA: 2o ye2 KK, iit ii2 pretty bad.  
CG: SHIT. HOLY BULGECRAPPING FUCK.  
TA: KK plea2e dont fliip your 2hiit over thii2 of all thiing2 ii am only iin danger iif ii deciide for 2ome rea2on two 2tep outsiide, whiich beliive me ii would only ever be dumb enough two do iif a kiiller fungu2 thiing really had rotten my pan.  
TA: and even then iit would have two be one fucker of a para2iite.  
CG: I KEEP FORGETTING ABOUT HOW JUST HOW SHITTY A JUNK HEAP YOU ACTUALLY LIVE IN HOLY FUCKNUGGETS.  
TA: oh for fuck2 2ake not thii2 agaiin.  
CG: FUCK YOU, I DISTINCTLY RECALL YOU COMPLAINING LESS THAN FOUR FUCKING DAYS AGO ABOUT HOW QUICKLY ALL CRAPPING KINDS OF DEADLY SHIT SPREAD IN THAT NOOKPUSLING STENCH OF A HIVESTEM YOU LIVE IN.  
TA: well thank fuck para2iitoiid2 arent part of that nook2hiittiing lii2t.  
TA: becau2e thii2 hiive2tem ii2 2o 2hiity that iit doe2nt even have an ac two 2pread iit wiith.  
CG: IT IS AN AIRBORNE STRAIN THOUGH RIGHT?  
TA: KK ii hiighly fuckiing doubt that there are any 2traiin2 iin exii2tence that are not aiirborne.  
TA: iif there were then the whole of alterniia would have gone two even more shiit approxiimately two biilliion 2weep2 ago.  
CG: OK.  
CG: IT’S JUST THAT  
CG: WELL I WATCHED THIS MOVIE ONCE.  
CG: AND IT HAD A GREAT ROMANTIC PLOT, YOUR POOR ROMANTICALLY IMPAIRED PAN HAS NO IDEA, BUT IT HAD THIS SUPER FUNGUS THING IN IT TOO.  
CG: AND IT TRAVELLED BY WATER AND OTHER SHIT TOO AND IT WAS FUCKING AWFUL.  
TA: eheheheh.  
TA: 2o 2weet of you two worry about me KK.  
TA: but 2eriiou2ly ii am guaranteed two be fiine unle22 ii open my door.  
TA: and beliieve me, ii fully iintend of 2tayiing here iin my niice co2y re2piite block two whiile away the hour2 wiith the biige2t a22hole ii know.  
CG: WOW, THANK YOU SO MUCH, YOU COMPLETE FESTERING SHITSPONGE.  
CG: BUT ER  
CG: CAN WE MAYBE PUT OUR CAMS ON OR SOME SHIT?  
TA: well ii gue22.

twinArmageddons [TA] began video call  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began video call

CG: WOW, YOUR FACE IS EVEN MORE VILE THAN IT WAS THE LAST TIME I HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF LOOKING AT IT.  
TA: 2ame goe2 for you, douchelord.  
TA: er.  
TA: KK?  
CG: YEAH?  
TA: iif ii turn out two be iinfected, for the love of god turn the cam off.  
TA: ii do not want anyone2 last memory of me two be grue2ome fungu2 head2 bur2tiing from out of my biifurcated braiin.  
CG: WHAT THE SHIT, SOLLUX, OF COURSE I WOULDN’T WATCH THAT.  
CG: YOU ARE DISGUSTING ENOUGH WITHOUT ICKY PIECES OF SHIT STICKING OUT OF YOU AS WELL.  
TA: charmed, KK.  
CG: YOU ARE FREAKING WELCOME.

> =>

TA: ok my hiive ii2 more 2ecure than a paranoiid troll2 on the run from iimperiial force2, and ii am dead shiit bored of codiing.  
TA: do 2omethiing iintere2tiing ii have god know2 how much tiime two kiill.  
CG: WELL YOU JUST HAPPEN TO BE IN LUCK.  
TA: holy crap KK 2pare me.  
TA: ii 2eriiously do not need two be further expo2ed two the crap you call ‘mediia’ when ii am already iin danger from 2omethiing that 2uck2 liife from all that come2 iintwo contact wiith iit.  
CG: FUCK YOU, THIS ISN’T A ROMCOM OR EVEN A MOVIE.  
CG: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY THE LATEST *OFFICIAL*, NON-GLITCHED VERSION OF SEMI CHARACTERISTIC-DISTINGUISHING-OBJECTS-WITH-SIGNALLING-SELF-SUSTAINING-PROCESSES?  
TA: omfg fuck yeah.

> =>

CG: HOW OFTEN HAVE YOU HAD TO DEAL WITH THIS CRAP BEFORE?  
TA: eh, a couple of tiime2.  
TA: you dont exactly get u2ed two iit but iit become2 le22 of a 2hock a2 you get older.  
TA: fiir2t tiime wa2 terriifyiing and ii am una2hamed two 2ay that ii 2pent mo2t of iit coweriing under my de2k.  
TA: 2econd tiime wa2nt 2o bad becau2e ii had actually re2earched 2hiit and knew what the fuck ii wa2 doiing.  
TA: now iit2 ju2t an iinconveniience mo2tly.  
CG: AREN’T YOU SCARED AT ALL?  
TA: a liittle maybe.  
TA: iitd be niice two be able to 2ay that ii dont giive a 2hiit about iit but ii am 2leep depriived and al2o everyone know2 that para2iitiiod i2 a 2hiitty way two go.  
TA: KK?  
CG: IT’S NOT FAIR THAT ONLY YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS AND NOT THE REST OF THE PANTSTINKING POPULATION.  
CG: OR THE GRUBFISTERS WHO ACTUALLY DESERVE THIS KIND OF SHIT.  
CG: WHY CAN’T EVERYONE JUST SUFFER EQUALLY?  
TA: eheheheh.  
TA: idk the hemo2pectrum ha2 never made much 2en2e two me.  
TA: holy crap KK 2top takiing iit 2o 2eriiou2ly you look liike a mangy barkbea2t that2 had a bad day.  
CG: WOW, WHAT A GODDAMN BULGECHAFING COMPLIMENT!  
TA: my plea2ure.

> =>

CG: CRAP.  
CG: SOLLUX.  
CG: SOLLUX ARE YOU OK????  
TA: god fuckiing dammiit KK.  
TA: ye2 ii am ok.  
CG: FUCK YOUR BULLSHIT TO THE GLOBEFONDLING PITS OF HELL. YOU WENT ALL WEIRD AND SWAY-Y.  
TA: iit2 called beiing tiired, numb2kull.  
TA: iit iis u2ually a thiing that happen2 two troll2 who have been up for over 32 hour2, and then had a para2iitoiid lockdown on hii2 hiive, and then been made two 2tay up another 6 or whatever hour2 by hii2 douchebag of a be2t friiend.  
TA: ii feel a little liike 2hiit and a liitle liike what iit mu2t be for you after ii have totally owned your a22 at gamiing.  
CG: WELL YOU’RE GOING TO STAY AWAKE ALRIGHT?!  
TA: ii want two go two coon.  
CG: THAT IS COMPLETELY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO, IMBECILIC FUCKWAD! YOU ARE GOING TO STAY RIGHT THERE AND WE ARE GOING TO DO SHIT.  
TA: can ii at least get a cu2hiion or 2omethiing and nap.  
CG: NO YOU MAY NOT.  
CG: SOLLUX.  
CG: SOLLUX GET YOUR PUSTULEFUCK ASS BACK HERE!  
CG: SOLLUX CAPTOR!  
TA: 2ee KK iit took me liike two 2econd2.  
CG: SCREW YOU. WE ARE BOTH GOING TO STAY AWAKE UNTIL THIS DAYMARE FROM HELL IS OVER.  
TA: whatever KK.

> =>

CG: SOLLUX.  
CG: DAMMIT, SOLLUX!  
CG: SOLLUX COME ON! OPEN YOUR EYES YOU LAZY ASSFUCKER!  
TA: je2u2 chrii2t KK calm your rumble 2phere2.  
CG: FUCK YOU! WE AGREED TO STAY UP.  
TA: no you ju2t viiciiou2ly typed that and ii repliied wiith a whatever.  
TA: you honestly have no iidea a2 two what para2iitoiid2 actually do, do you.  
CG: I HAVE ENOUGH OF A GODDAMN CLUE TO BE WORRIED FOR THE FATE OF YOUR MISERABLE ASS, CAPTOR!  
TA: iif ii lo2e the motor control2 needed two type, be miildly concerned becau2e ii thiink that miight happen anyway ju2t through 2leep depriivatiion and dealiing wiith your 2tupiidiity.  
TA: iif ii begiin two wander aiimle22ly around the block liike 2omeone wiith motor neurone damage, be worriied.  
TA: iif ii 2tart two have convul2iion2, be very worriied.  
TA: iif ii begiin two claw at the barriicade2 ii 2et up, turn your fuckiing cam off.  
TA: tell me, have ii done any of the above yet?  
CG: WELL OBVIOUSLY NOT.  
TA: then ii am fiine.  
TA: the chance of me actually haviing contracted the thiing ii2 really fuckiing 2mall Karkat.  
CG: I AM CONCERNED FOR YOU, DOUCHEWAD.  
TA: ye2 ii notiiced.  
TA: 2iigh.  
TA: ii gue22 ii appreciiate the 2entiiment maybe a little but goddammiit KK.  
TA: ii am pretty damn 2ure ii would be 2howiing 2ymptom2 by now iif ii wa2 iinfected.  
TA: 2o iif you dont let me 2leep ii am blockiing you for the niight.  
CG: FUCK.  
CG: FINE THEN.

> =>

TA: KK.  
TA: KK.  
TA: KK, you lazy fuck, open your gaze 2pere2 riight thii2 iin2tant.  
CG: WHAT. WHAT IS IT.  
TA: nothiing, ju2t fuckiing wiith you.  
CG: I HATE YOU.

> =>

CG: HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN?  
TA: ii thiink about twelve hour2 aprox?  
CG: BLOODY CRAP, HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO LAST?  
TA: not much longer ii thiink.  
TA: from what ii looked up, thii2 2traiin ii2 actually pretty 2hort liived.  
TA: the drone2 wiill check tomorrow for any iinfected iin theiir hiives.  
TA: untiil then they patrol around iin an attempt two 2top any iinfected from reachiing the roof, and bla2t the braiin2 from any poor fucker who ii2 dumb enough two poke hii2 head out2iide.  
CG: SO BASICALLY  
CG: YOU’RE IN THE CLEAR?  
TA: probably.  
TA: ii forgot two 2ay, they’ll dii2iinfect everythiing too.  
TA: hone2tly iim lucky iit wa2 a 2mall outbreak and they diidnt have two iinciinerate the entiire 2tem.  
CG: HOLY SHIT. YOU’RE FUCKING WITH ME. IS THAT REALLY SOMETHING THEY’D DO?  
TA: yup. iif iin doubt, look iit up.  
CG: CRAP.  
CG: LOOK, UH  
CG: THERE’S STILL AN EMPTY HIVE IN MY AREA. A FUCKER GOT HIS ASS CULLED A WHILE AGO AND NOTHING’S HAPPENED.  
CG: I OFFERED TO TEREZI BUT SHE WAS A SACK OF SHIT AND REFUSED.  
CG: SO UM  
CG: IF YOU WANTED TO GET AWAY FROM THAT PIECE OF SHIT YOU CALL A DWELLING PLACE, YOU COULD LIKE  
CG: MOVE IN THERE.  
TA: that ha2 two be the mo2t awkward propo2al for anythiing ii have ever wiitne22ed iin the whole of my liife, iincludiing iin the shiity romantiic 2ubplot2 of the world2 wor2t game2.  
CG: ARE YOU INTERESTED OR NOT?  
TA: youre talkiing about 2ome fancy miidblood area riight?  
CG: I WOULDN’T STRETCH THE TRUTH QUITE ENOUGH TO CALL IT FANCY BUT YEAH, IT’S BETTER THAN MOST LOWBLOOD PLACES.  
TA: KK your hiive ha2 liike four floor2 dont tell me that2 not fancy.  
CG: YOU POOR DEPRIVED MOTHERFUCKER.  
TA: whoa chiill there karkat you look a2 iif you miight actually piity me a liitle for 2omethiing.  
CG: FUCK YOU AND THE HOOFBEAST THAT SENTENCE RODE IN ON.  
TA: the cam ii2 2tiill on ii can 2ee you blu2hiing KK.  
CG: ARE YOU MOVING IN OR NOT??  
TA: eh iill thiink about iit.  
TA: iitd be good two have 2ome more 2pace.  
TA: dont thiink my lu2u2 would liike moviing though he2 2uch a dunderfuck.  
CG: ALRIGHT. THANKS.  
TA: the fuck are you thankiing me youre the one doiing ME a favour.  
CG: SHUT UP. LETS PLAY A FUCKING VIDEO GAME OR SOMETHING.  
TA: hell ye2. ready two get your ass handed two you on a 2iilver gamiing platter?  
CG: FUCK YES.  
CG: WAIT.  
TA: eheheh, never change KK.

**Author's Note:**

> Some background info:
> 
>  ~~This is inspired by another work, not on this site, that I cannot find again but that I... _think_ may have been written by roachpatrol? I'm not sure. If someone could link me to it that would be nice.~~ Wait, found it. Not sure whether to have this fic as 'inspired by' or not though.
> 
> It is my non-game headcanon that Sollux's hivestem is a piece of shit, but only non-game because his hive in canon is showed to be pretty good, if very messy.


End file.
